The Five-Second Theory

in all of its absurdity



my cake tumbles to the floor in slow motion.
it was
The. Last. Piece.

the five-second rule comes to mind
where did that rule even come from?
was it scientifically tested?
does it cover dirt
dust germs hair
various species?

does it come with limits and exceptions
this “rule”
should really come with a rapid relay of side effects.
you know,
like medications on the radio
not that anyone can understand them.
at least
it would cause humanity to question the validity of this so-called
five-second rule”

perhaps if it came with a warranty
a waiver
rules are there to protect you.

i have reason to believe that this
is simply a manipulation of social acceptance:
“no really, it’s okayyyy that i ate it off the floor.
it’s been less than five seconds.”

i have this friend
drops cheesecake on the publix floor
stares at it awhile clearly attempting to stretch the five-second rule to full potential
picks it up and proceeds to checkout
later that night she posts a facebook status about how great the dirty cheesecake is
really pushing that social acceptance there, aren’t we

or maybe
germs really follow the rule
like a member code
or something
“now hold on germy
you have to give susie five seconds to pick up her food before you attack it”

surely this rule applies to other things.
if i touch a dirty door knob
but only for five seconds
does it even really matter
dirty diaper

i once heard that the five-second rule works like dropping bread into a fish pond
upon bread-water contact, the fish scatter.
five seconds later,
they’re eating the bread
food falls
germs scatter
five seconds later though
Totally Unsanitary

Through this contemplation of the five-second theory
at least ten seconds have passed
with my cake on the floor

germs are much slower than fish.

I’m sure.

©Mitchell Beeland, 28 November 2012

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